doors closing

Everybody Knows. sad song. I think. I obviously wasn't too in love with anyone ever. Cause I'm not longing to be back with anyone. Not missing anyone like that. It just wasn't that good looking back. But John Legend speaks the truth. Nobody has it easy. Nobody really knows how to make it work or how to ease the hurt. That stuff is too hard. Do what you will but hurt and pain are hard to shake. It takes change, people, time, and lies. Yes lies, sometimes you just have to psyche yourself into stuff to fall out of your fits. Something extra slight. I need to be held. I'm done with the pilot cause I'm nothing but a passenger honestly.

--Psyching myself out of like.

tunez: knocks you down

wishing you would come knock me down cuz

i been standing real strong for a little too long. 

knocked down off my personal pedestal where freedom reigns and only my rules matter. 

once ive fallen, its just you and me or I and he. and LOVE LOVE LOVE. 

to be totally in love....is totally unimaginable

this video is the ultimate sexy. 

He loves my mind//I like him back//But the evidence of a connection//is hardly extant//not extinct, because I have hope// hope for progression, hope for something//more than it is now// something special, something with meaning// a thing that maters, a glass that shatters//let it be known, unignorable//something new open, explorable//I remain hopeful, I'll see how the days go// Patience is a virtue. So I'm waiting// Time is of the essence and it's ticking// Knock me down, don't leave me in mid-air cause it's too hard to pull myself back up from nothing. 

tunez: Jimmy Cliff

the musical stylings of Jimmy Cliff

"let your yeah be yeah and your no be no. 

you wear a plastic smile. 

i know by your eyes. 

you speak with an indefinite style. 

you're telling me lies. 

you gotta face reality. 

what's wrong with you and me. 

why cant you free your honesty?"

Being honest is so hard for people to do. I'm pretty good at it. If everyone else was, it would be a crazy world. I guess everyone being obliviously honest would be boring. Leaves no room for mystery. However, lying isn't cool. A vague truth can be just as good as the detailed truth. As long as I'm not fibbing. I should be good, you should too. I'm pretty open. Just ask. 

flight 099

we're on a plane. me and you. this blog is a damn flight

i dont know how we got here but we took off and that was that

we had delays, we met the pilot

ive established that i got a window seat and no one beside me

and we are flying

we have yet to reach cruising altitude

im tryin to get at the pilot. but he's on a mission, i guess. 

i said them off brand niggas cant fly with me, this is airline 43. and in every hood to every club, niggas know bout me, they heard of mo.Reni.K.B. [stolen]

the n-word. are you offended? dont be. 

thinking: wait, what?

why do we scold emotions that we all have? 

why are some topics taboo? 

people are just afraid. so we are all forced to sink into ourselves. and think. and go back and forth. through our ups and downs. in circles. and backwards. trying to figure stuff out, stuff that we have absolutely no understanding of. when you don't understand, you're supposed to ask. but oh how we suffer when we cannot ask. when we have so many questions but cannot seek the answers. let it go and it'll come back later. Google it and you'll still question the different responses of the 1,232,646,394 hits. Damn, still confused. Still in the dark. 

yes! a vacant seat

currently listenin to Kid Cudi. If I had a whip, I'd roll my windows down and blast Day n Nite at nig

ht, driving about 10 mph..with hydraulics. Yup. My boo Kris had a whole bunch of Kid Cudi on his iTunes. And I consider Kris a loner. And this particular song is is about a lonely loner/stoner. I just made the connection. Kris sometimes goes outside to smoke a jay and look up at the stars. Love it. The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night. Perfect sense. 

I am the lovely loner and I love the lonely loner. 

Just isolate yourself. 

At night and in life. 

Be free. 

_________________

I like the night, and being outside. Cause all is calm and quiet and dark. The sunlight is too revealing- you see the good, bad, the ugly, and the greatness. Too much going on, too many distractions, too much obscenity, too much hurt, too much pain, too much reality. Thats the last thing on anyone's wish list...a dose of Reality. Get grounded. Know your role and shut your mouth. [stolen.] But hey sometimes Sometimes you don't want all that and in comes darkness. A blanket...stars and streetlights poking tiny peepholes so it's not total darkness. I cant fade total darkness. Nothing openly exists in total darkness but your eyes and what they perceive. That's just scary to me. I could be in pitch darkness and 10 people could be surrounding me with machine guns and I wouldn't even know until I felt the shots rip through me. Damn. 

_________________ 

Oh and another connection: Alone-Asher Roth. I download music I've never heard before so I was like "the eff is this?". Anyhow, he goes on to say "I wanna be alone and all by myself. Said I'm staying home, dont need no one else. "

_______________

Just isolate yourself. Tonight and always. Breathe. 

<3 

planes: are boring

"I'm happy. I am in love with life. "

I remind myself of this daily. I remember when I wasn't like this. It sucked. I can only hope everyone can feel this way someday if they don't already do. I think it's because I started living life the way I wanted to, coming to terms with things, being at peace with myself, and doing things to make myself happy. That's all it really is. Do what you want. Don't be too hard on yourself and Stay Positive. I don't have EVERYTHING I want but I am content. If I get that little extra, I'll be boosted but without it, I am fine. I'm good. G.O.O.D.

Today was so beautiful. The sun was shining and there was a nice breeze out College Park. And I thought to myself "I love it baybay"

In other news,  my mans Wale released his first single Chillin off of his debut album, coming to a store near you in Summer 2009. I have to let it grow on me because I still am biased toward my mixtape tracks. But I wish him all the success in the world. 

There's this poster I used to see on the wall of one of my classrooms. I'm not sure what school.

It read: DIG DEEPER, CLIMB HIGHER. I like it. Just when you think you've done it all, there's almost something else you can strive for. So get high.

My thoughts are so erratic. My blogs lack the structure and polished-ness that I seek. 

Writing is aesthetic. Mine is not. I am not a writer. 

takeoff: these passengers...

Today is a new day. I'm shouting out Danielle and Ray! Danielle just because she's so supportive. and Ray cause he's just that cool and I like his personality. Now back to business.

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!! Relaxation. Ready for the next step. No vacation. Nothing spectacular. But I'm totally content. If I'm content with my life and I'm on the right track, then that should be enough. I never understood the people who judged the lives of others. Why does what I do with my life affect YOU? oh...nothing you say? thought so, it doesn't. 

Back to college. College, oh University of Maryland College Park. Freshman year is slowly coming to a close. Big ass school with tens of thousands of people and I still get lonely. These people man...people in general man...they just don't tickle my fancy. I'm not extra picky but I just don't take to everyone. I only feel comfortable around certain people. The coolkids usually omit this aura that just turns me off. Cliques- kill me now. And yes they exist in college. I will never like the _____ people. The people who are loud and out there just because....EXTRA and unnecessary.  The people who think they run things. I like the people who are cool enough to be coolkids but choose to not be ALLLL out there which makes them 10x cooler.  oh unless i just love their spirit or know who they really are. then I'm good. LOL. i'm just sayin. I mean these people I dislike may be great people, I just never really meet them. So I'm going to continue to assume what I do about this collective, don't dislike anyone in particular at CP though...for the record. LOL. I'm just sayin.....This is not the entry I intended to write.But I'm gonna continue. This is not me bashing CP people. Cause I have met some really nice people here. nice. good. sweet. kool. funny. chill. All that good stuff.  I do have people who show me love. Especially as far as female friends, CP is giving me what I never really had too much of. Cool ass females, I thought I was the only one. LOL. It's relieving to be with girls and not completely hate it. I still love my males tho. Not too many of the CP ones tho, they just aren't all that great. Anonymous shoutout to the males whom I fux with. I believe solid friendships can be built with time and I got that, so I'm good. I luv my CP fam.

Moving right along. There's this boy. I guessed his middle name right but I forgot it. Anyway, he paid me a visit...in my mind. And I felt so special. (Repeat 3x) And he kissed my forehead which is like the ultimate AWWW. And he pulled me close. I listened to his heartbeat...cause it played my favorite song? NO. But you get the point. It was bliss. He crosses my mind every now and again and again. However, he has yet to make another stop. I'll wait till we reach cruising altitude. 

uhhh check out the Freshness League. i downloaded the mixtape, you can too. 

delayed...

I should write in this much more than I do. But I don't and no one has complained yet. No one really comments so no one really cares. I'll just make that grand assumption. LOL.

This is the 4th entry. I wrote 3 and backspaced them all. I'm struggling. 

I am woman. Woman I am not. Girl I am. Too much to worry about to be Woman.

I am not there yet. I am in no rush to get there. Dont pressure me.

Love me. Encourage Me. Help me. Thats all I need from you. 

You and you. 

Who am I? Reni Bello. 18. the best kept secret. 

I can't do this. I'll be back

 

pilot: the meet & greet

Hello world, those both significant and not. I met this guy wen I was 16 years old and what I loved most was that he had so much.....He had nothing. Brown skin and dreads. A blank slate. How do you build a relationship with someone after they have pretty much left your life. Ask about me. Conversations here and there. Which I love, real conversation that is. Breakdown of the outer, inside look within. I love the inner. The outer is a facade, a mask, a choice. You can't help who you really are but you are [to the world] who you choose to be. Are you following? Thats the person I want to know, the person you are afraid to show. Your secret is safe with me. I won't judge. You hear it all the time. But who will actually say "I will judge. I will lie to you. Im going to break your heart." No one. What are words, anyway. Still, I wont judge you. I wanna get to know ya. And then you can get to know me. Very few people actually know me. 

But I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

My private parts--my thoughts of course. 

Take me there. Adventures on spaceships. Anywhere. There is more to me than the eye can see. I have more to say than your ears can bear. My love is never ending cause my heart is so big. But you will never know if you never let me show you. This a 'shy' person making herself vulnerable. And no one will answer my call. Last time I ever do this. Ever. Just fulfill your temporary role, I'll know you on the surface, from the departing runway to the baggage carousel once I reach my destination. Thanx

That was a dramatic end.

But I'm not done. Today, March 5th 2009, is a good day. I'm a happy girl, my joy remains internal and eternal. Can't nobody take that away from me.  I once heard something along the lines of at the end of the day, the only person looking out for you is going to be yourself. I agree. You have to do what best for you, make the right choices, and make sure that you're happy at the end of the day...or somewhere close to it. 

Adopt-A Positive-Attitude. 

before takeoff: my thoughts

I may complain but I gain from this class 

"Our heads are filled with things that are not ours."

What does that mean?

We as human have these things called "brains", within the physical brain is a "mind". It can be controlled, manipulated, improved, broken, and even lost.

• Universal Mind Control
• Brainwashing = manipulation
• Tryna get my mind right.
• It gave me piece of mind
• She must've lost her damn mind

Get it? OK

Our heads rest on our shoulders which belong to us. Our brain..central nervous system..all that jazz..ours too. The mind, though, is as much ours as it is everyone elses. It is so easily imprinted on by the world around us. How much of what we "know" can we say we would have come across sitting in an isolated room all of our lives... Without eachother, we are nothing. 

"No man is an island"

 (John Donne's Meditation XVII). 

We are all interconnected and contribute to something greater. Let's work together. We can learn so much from eachother. If we stopped fearing, fighting, and looking down on one another. You can't be an asshole for too long. If we just took the time to listen. Just imagine. Close your eyes and imagine. 

Get Me!

1st stop: houstatlantavegas

Soundtrack of my recent life: Drake: So Far Gone...An October's Very Own Presentation

I'm feeling it. Houstatlantavegas. Lust for Life. Unstoppable. Best I Ever Had. November 18. Ignant Shit. I won't name them all cause that defeats the purpose but I enjoy it. [heavy rotation]

The beats. The flow. The semi-singing. The chill. The punchlines. Cool Stuff. 

I found strength, courage, and wisdom. [india.arie] Somewhere in my trials and tribulation throughout life. I have been through some thangs. Looking back, I have no regrets. I know that I have done things I probably shouldn't have. However, Im happy that those mistakes were made already.  

"Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned."

With all of this experience, I am on a much different level and in a pretty different mindset than most. This is not me sicing my head. Im just saying I know a lil more. Knowledge is POWER. If you have the "know", no one can tell you nothing. Though I am still willing to listen and learn and look before I leap of course. You must always be willing to do that. If not, you're going to get lost, things are always changing. Sam Cooke said it awhile back. Change came. Gavin Degraw said it a couple years back. Change is still coming. I don't know why people always act so surprised when things are different. Stagnancy...BLAH. Life is full of UPS

and

DOWNS

That was me playing with spacing in order to emphasize my point. This is what we discuss in HONR238Y: The Development of the Author in Literary History and Creative Writing.  [sigh] It's exposing me to stuff I would have never read or known about. I even read a whole novel. reading is fun[damental]. People need to read more, talk less. Get up on the "know". I need to read more, think less, and express myself more. That's why I write...blog and rap and rant and think aloud on paper...cant fade POETRY. my writing is not aesthetic. Anyhow, back to the importance of reading. I used to LOVE reading as a child, it took me places. Music does that now. Read more, talk less. I hope someone reads this...

when im gone, the whole county miss me, im on my PG shit

GetMe!